Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Been a long time

It's been so long since I last wrote a blog post. My friends have been encouraging me to write, to share my meal plans, to start my own business and to just start sharing my knowledge again.  I've been so focused on keeping my head a float and myself busy, that blogging wasn't going to happen.

I am one of those moms whose has her hand in everything. I'm a doer. A helper. I like doing things for others. On a weekly basis, I help at a food pantry helping bag groceries for families in need, I help run a bible study, I'm apart of my church's family ministry team, I'm apart of my daughter's home and school association as the treasurer,  I help out in my daughter's classroom with writer's workshop, I run a few of the smallest committees as well for the HSA, I assist other  HSA committees, I am taking on one of largest fundraisers our school does as one of the chairs, I help with field day, the secret Santa shop, and I want to add more family nights to the calendar for the home and school. I also keep a tidy house, more because clutter and dirtiness causes my anxiety and stress levels to rise to extreme danger zones.

I really don't realize all I do. I'm most likely missing something or have forgotten something that I help with. I'm not gloating or patting myself on the back. I do all this in lieu of a paid job.  My husband calls me a philanthropist.  I give my time like some give money.

But all of this may be changing for me. We have been trying to get pregnant for the past year all while doing and completing a large home renovation. The pregnancy hasn't happened yet and we are very close to calling it quits on that chapter of our lives.

Leading me to the next step. My next step. I like all my volunteering. It feeds me, sustains me while I stay at home; however I have been thinking its time to go back to work. If I move into a paid position that will leave me with less time to help. However, what if I find my dream job that pays me to do what I love.  I do have many skills, none that I see as valuable. Which is CRAZY! I know it is. Yet, this self-doubt is heavy.

My dream job doesn't exist, yet. I would LOVE a 9-2, no weekends, no summers, and not in a school and I'm not going back to social work.

I still want to be home for Maddie and Holden. I feel awful for the kids who have to stay at school until 6pm for the after school care. I know it's necessary for those parents who work, but it makes for a very long day for kids.

Maddie comes home most days, an emotional exhausted mess. The idea of her spending more time at school so I can work, makes my heart hurt. I would be going back to work just to be going back to work, because it is what society has deemed as the next step. It would be to fund an over the top entertainment budget for us to do the stuff we want to do but it isn't in the cards with one income and for additional savings. The luxuries in life. We have luxuries. We do more than some but less than others. We are happy where we are...

 Yet, I feel ashamed when I tell people I'm still stay at home yet with no kids here.

All of my volunteering is a full time job, but in this world where staying at home seems like less of a job, makes me feel like less of a person. My mom stayed at home until...... wait she is still at home. She was home so long that going back became impossible. That scares me.

I know my volunteering can fill a resume. I can word it so it sounds like I've been running a multi-million dollar company as the CEO, but once you cut through the bull it would leave me feeling like a liar.

Decisions. Decisions.

Maybe I'll just start with blogging again

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